Pills, Pills, and More Pills

I recently read the 2 Bipolar Chicks Guide to Survival, and while I recommend it for everyone from the bipolar themselves to caretakers, I want to share something that it brought to mind. The book is seriously countless tips and tricks to get through life with a bipolar diagnosis, or help a loved one with one. They start out right away with managing my/your meds . When I say "meds" I really mean all of the pills (medications, vitamins, supplements, your pills) I (or you) take daily.

Many people I know take prescription medication for one reason or another, take vitamins and/or supplements.  Some people I know should be be don't. I am always confused by those that don't; I mean, don't you want to try and live a normal-ish life? Anyway, I digress, the first chapter in this book brought me to realize just how many pills a day I take.  12. Twelve. I take twelve pills over the course of the day, I take pills three times a day, every day, like clockwork thanks to the alarm feature on my cell phone.

Twelve pills every day, which does not include my as needed anti-anxiety med or anything for allergies. That is 84 a week, approximately 361 a month and a whopping 4,368 a year, not including the occasional Tylenol or allergies. Taking meds three times a day has me living around my pill boxes, yes, I have two.  One is in my purse with my afternoon and evening doses, plus I carry around the bottle for my as-needed med and one morning dose of everything in case I forget and remember when out.

This seems like a lot of pills, right? Well, it is, but everything is important and works together. I think it is worth mentioning that twice: they are important and work together. Because I am sensitive to side effects, I am on pretty low doses of my medications. I work very closely with my doctor to try and keep them manageable but also getting the full benefit of that medication. I take vitamins for energy to battle the fatigue from the meds, and supplements to help with some of the other side effects, such as constipation. No one likes to talk about that one, but it is really popular and should not be counted out.

So what does my medication management look like? Well a typical day starts with me waking up and downing my morning meds:

• 3 different ones for bipolar
• 1 for birth control & hormonal balance
• 2 vitamins (multi-vitamin for women & iron-for energy)

Six down, six to go!

My alarm goes off at 2:00 and I take:

• 1 more of the same for bipolar
• 1 vitamin (B12-for more energy)

At 9:00, the alarm goes off again and the final dosing of the day is done:

• 2 more of the same bipolar drug from 2:00 (and the morning)
• 1 vitamin (D3-for depression)
• 1 antacid (Pepcid)

What we missed in this is that I use a fiber supplement, like Benefiber, to help keep everything moving, and the need to stay hydrated. In a typical day, my water intake is at least 102 ounces (or expected to be) for my weight.* Remembering to eat a couple times a day is important also.

Are we dizzy yet?  

Why do I do it, it seems like madness sitting there every Sunday planning out a weeks worth of meds every week, making sure alarms are set on my phone, carrying around my meds every where so I don't forget? So I don't forget. I have a son, three cats, and a dog that depend on me, not just for food and shelter, but for things like being there, being stable, and making good decisions. I need to be able to do that for them, and myself. 

Wanna hear the best part? One of my medications interferes with alcohol, so I consequently drink less. To be fair, it interferes with a lot of stuff. Another one is possibly causing me to gain weight, at the rate of 10 pounds a month, but that could be me dropping the ball on my daily food regime (another blog entirely). Drowsiness is a side effect I deal with (vitamins). If I am not on birth control, I pretty much go insane. Even though another child would never happen with me, I am sure it would kill me mentally, I will never have that option and be able to lead a normal/semi-normal life. I would have to give up my pills.

I take the good with the bad, and the unusual. The benefits of my meds outweigh the negative side effects. I say negative because there are some positive ones, like an extra dose of drowsiness before bedtime. That is an amazing trick (except on New Year's Eve)! Since starting the one I take 3x a day, I sleep amazingly better! Insomnia has always been a problem, as with most bipolars, and sleeping pills don't work for me. I cannot emphasize how important consistent sleep is for maintaining a stable state. 

Taking your meds is important. Working with your doctor, being honest with them, and being able to trust them, is essential for numerous reasons. The first and probably most important is being a stable feature for your family, those that depend on you. 

Actually, no, the first and foremost is to be happy being stable for you! I enjoy stability so much now, that I freak out at the first signs of mania. At the 1st signs I whip out the journal and start writing till my wrist, hand, and fingers hurt. A call to the doctor is made, and also to the therapist. The therapist will more likely have an opening before the doctor, but he can review my file and make med adjustments via phone. This is my crisis plan, my strategy, my standard operating procedure. 

I reach out to my support system, advise them of what is going on, what my plans/strategy is, it makes me feel better telling them, saying every thing out loud. My support system is amazing and I could only hope every one has one like mine! I ask them for any help I might need, even if it is just hanging out and watching a movie. 

Please take your meds. Please work with a doctor you trust. You got this!

*weight in pounds divided by two equals water in ounces to consume daily

A Project Finished

10/25/19
09:01

Today, I am proud of myself. I took on a project that was complicated and I have never really done before with a time line and I FINISHED IT!!

My son, 8 years old, decided he wanted to be a puppy for Halloween this year. I had the fabric so I figured, why not?, I can make the costume. I have never made clothing before, but how hard could it be for someone with sewing experience? Well, as it turns out it is a little complicated.

There was no real pattern, I had to measure him and free hand it basically. It turned out okay, but I forgot a piece and didn't take into account the difference in fabric thickness. Still, no big deal, it all got stitched up and ready EARLIER by a week so he could wear it to a last minute event!

Some adjustments needed to be made after he got home, and it was a little tight, but he loved it and looked absolutely adorable.  My mom told me I did a great job on it. I am gleaming.

I have not felt this way in a long time. I have not accomplished this much in an even longer time. I have started so many projects while manic and they just sit there, waiting to be finished. Sometimes years go by before I get a spurt of energy and dontate it or get a rummage sale together, hoping that someone else can give them life.

It is a amazing feeling when you finish a project, something that you took raw materials and made into a finished product, something that now has a purpose. It makes me feel purposful, creative, and most of all, happy.

I really highly recommend just picking up one of those projects and giving it a second chance at life; by doing so you may just be giving yourself a second chance at feeling happiness.

Gratitude, Disabilty, and Group

10/23/19
09:15 

I was going to do a post about gratitude, but I am just not feeling it yet, I don't have words to go with the feelings. Instead, I think I might just write about random thoughts and feelings I am having now that I am back home, settled in and getting back on with life.

If you read my previous blog, Coming Home After My 2nd Inpatient Stay, then you already know that I have been getting things somewhat back in order. I think by the end of the week, a full round of chores, I will have a better handle on things. The daily schedule helps keep me on track.

One thing that has been driving me crazy is Social Security. I have been trying to get into my account for six weeks and still nothing. I called today and basically I can wait 5-10 busiess days to see if my 3rd request for a password reset comes, go to my local office, or just delete my account (that I don't remember creating to begin with) and start over. I started over. It took five minutes. Now I can apply for disabilty.

I still have some information I need to collect, but at least I can enter everything I already have and see if there is something different I might need since I have been working off of a paper application. The amount of information is not overwhelming, it is the detail in all of it. For example, every job I have ever worked in the last ten years or something like that. Also all of my providers. Thankfully (gratitiude) I have had the same shrink for seven years. It is the previous one and the hospital stays that get tricky, also the couselors. I know one, sort of, but can't remember the other one at all.

Why disabilty? The decision came after I lost my most recent job, and it came easily. I have realized that at this point in my life I am incapable of holding down a job, at least a full-time one. While I can survive on part-time pay, the hours generally suck, and it would be just that, surviving, not living.

I have talked about it with a couple of friends, who of course agree, and my shrink, who also agrees this is a good course of action for me to help secure myself and my family financially. Finances have always been a source of stress and a trigger for more extreme behavior or the opposite, a depression spiral.

I am grateful for my mom (more gratitude), all of the help she has provided, and the money she has shelled out keeping me afloat. To repay her, I am handing over my tax return to her this year. Hopefully that covers some of it. For example, my water was shut off yesterday because my bill is about three months behind and I have been paying just enough to keep it on. Yesterday, I missed the cut off time to pay the bill, was shut off, and had to pay the full past due amount to get it put back on. $200 on the credit card (hers), and $60 in cash later (all of my cash except for what I need to put towards rent), I am scheduled to be turned back on, which I was.

I am tired of things like this happening, but I can never keep it together for long enough, not even long enough, but consistently. So I took my counseling appointment for day treatment seriously. I learned that there is a thing (technique) called DBT Therapy that could be very beneficial to me. When I find out more, I will let you know. There is a coping skills group that meets twice a month right up the road from me. The first meeting is next week and I will be there.

I am right on track for today, actually ahead of the game a little bit!! 

Coming Home After My 2nd Inpatient Stay

10/19/19
17:52

I have been "out" for almost three and a half hours. In that time, I stopped at home and saw Poppy, dropped my friend off, picked up Gavin, went to the store/pharmacy, chilled with the kid, cleared up my phone, and made dinner.

Dinner

• Mini Pigs in a Blanket, Baked Beans

I gave Gavin all of the stuff that I made for him.

I am going to have to do my pills and set alarms for the  schedule of the new medication. 

21:09

Tonight will be the true test for the new medication with three cats, one puppy, and an eight-year old in the bed. We are going to bed around 21:30, I am exhausted!

10/20/19
08:37

Water: 28 ounces

I slept only half way last night. I think I am getting or have a sinus infection, so I need to address that. Sleep would have probably been better without five extra bodies in my bed. 

Breakfast:

• Coffee with Sugar, Scrambled Eggs, Bacon

Water: 56 ounces

Lunch:

• Pigs in a Blanket, (2) Peanutbutter & Jelly Sandwiches

Water: 84 ounces

Dinner:

• Pizza topped with Canadian Bacon and Black Olives

Water: 112 ounces

21:24

It was hard to keep track of today since it was just a normal Sunday. I got most of my Sunday/Monday chores done, set up a schedule with fifteen minute incriments for the next three days. Today was a mellow pajama day, just doing the list as it came up.  All of my dailies were finished, Saturday's chores were done, and set up for tomorrow.

Monday, tomorrow, will be busy, but should not be overwhelming. I tried to schedule everything out with extra time for tasks.

10/21/19

I did track my food today, but I am not going to log it. I will say that I had three square meals and then a few snacks, so I am keeping up with the nutrition portion.  I also drank 100 ounces of water, so I hit my goal!

I followed my schedule for today almost to the T. It was a lot easier than a to do list as all I have to do is follow the schedule and do the task in the time frame. I wasn't anxious or stressed, if something didn't get done, it got moved to later in the day. It was all very easy to follow.

10/22/19

Today, my schedule changed before I even got out of bed. I found out last night that I did not have to take the kids to school (I have one child, but take two to school), so I decided to sleep in an hour with out adjusting the schedule. Then, after my appointment I went to a friend's house for coffee. That wasn't even on the schedule, but I am home now making it all work. Besides, seeing her and chatting for that couple of hours is more theraputic than a counseling session most days.

I did not take a shower today, something I need to remember if tomorrow I slack off, I will need to rein myself back in. The shower is on the schedule. It is the second thing for the day, the first is my least favorite chore of all-the litter box. I put it first thing so I can just get it taken care of instead of leaving it for last everyday and avoiding it. Blogs, chores, meals, they are all on there.

Doing the schedule in fifteen minute incriments helps me plan out the day and also make sure I am not overwhelming myself. Another important detail is that there is no longer a to-do-list, it all goes on the schedule. A lot more things are getting done around the house (so far, in two whole days, lol) and it is a lot less stressful. I can edit it on my computer and bring it up on my phone, or vice versa!

I have already made some changes, for example, I needed to take travel time into account for things outside of the house so I don't put something in that slot. I am making soup, in the slow cooker, for dinner tonight, so I put a half hour instead of fifteen minutes to assemble it in case I needed it. I didn't need it, but it bought me back some of the time I missed this morning.

I went to bed last night with a sore throat and even though it is doing better today, for the most part, it is still pretty sore. I had to take a break from hot beverages to get my water intake up. Yes, coffee and tea are made from water, but I only count plain water towards my intake in ounces. At about  200 pounds, my intake goal is 100 ounces.

It is only quarter after 2, but I am going to end this blog here, I think, and post it tomorrow. I may come back and edit it later tonight, before bed. Oh! By the way, I am actually sleeping!

Psych Ward, Round 2

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I am going for my second inpatient stay for Bi-Polar 1. I will be off grid for approximately 72 hours. I will not be reachable as I am looking to take care of myself in that time, so please refrain from blowing up my phone-I won't have it.

Thank you.

That message didn't go out. I only wanted a few people to know where I was going. Everyone else could wait until I got back.

I put the pup in her kennel around 10. Went to pick up the friend staying at my house so they could drop me off. Feelings of fear, sadness, and calm mixed around my heart and my head. Is it the right time? I know I have been planning it for two weeks, but today? That was it-I had to stop stalling and just go. 

Pulling into the hospital, driving up to the emergency room doors, more feelings, this time despair. Leaving the cats and pup for this long makes me nervous. What will I tell Gavin? He will surely ask since he is staying with dad for an extra night. 

Last time it was easier; there was no planning, just a breakdown leading to the emergency room and a bunch of phone calls to make the next day. Gavin was young, only 4 or 5, he was good with mommy being in the hospital for her head. Now he is older and asks more questions.

I have never lied to him about my mental state and I don't plan on starting. 

Good news, the hospital has a bed for me, I get to stay here. This is ideal as this is the hospital my shrink suggested and I don't like the doctor at the other hospital. He miss diagnosed me a few years before my 1st stay and I feel he over medicates. This hospital also has a day treatment center that provides follow up care. 

Follow-up care is important. You are isolated for three days and then thrown back into the world that ate you up and spit you into the hospital in the first place. In 2015, I was more afraid to leave the safety of inpatient than I was to come here this Wednesday morning.

Seriously though, why am I here today? What is the reason? Well, simply, that I am having a hard time caring for myself and others. All of the coping skills I have accumulated over the years have failed me these last few weeks. 

The ladies at the registration desk were really nice. I told them I wanted to check myself in for a 72-hour hold. They didn't pass judgment; they treated me like a regular human being, a regular patient.

The sit in the waiting room was short but seemed like an eternity. The lady from the pharmacy just came in to verify my medications. 

The walk to the emergency rooms is a blank in my mind already. Now the fun part.

The triage nurse asks you some questions, then you get a room/bed in the ER. Then the nurse comes, takes your blood, urine, and vitals, confirms your previous answers and asks some more questions. She is nice though, seems genuinely concerned for her patients.

The doctor comes in, apologizes for my wait and has a few clarification questions for me. There are no beds he tells me (we already know that one opens up for me).

10/16/19
15:50

I was officially admitted to the 4th floor at approximately 13:45 (01:45 p). After checking, I was just in time for group. Group is good; you can get a lot out of it as long as you are willing to put a little bit in. After forty-five minutes, everyone feels better and we move on to the next thing. 

For me, the next thing was lunch. They never skimp on the food.

• Chicken Stir-Fry over Brown Rice, Green Beans, Squash, Garden Salad with French, Apple Crisp, and Chocolate Milk

Three hot meals and a snack. They give you the largest cup possible to promote hydration, which is important for me.

While eating my lunch, more questions, but we are good now, till more questions, the same questions, from the doctor. I should see her today. She already has my birth control order in, so I like her already.

I missed the Occupational Therapy group, but can't do everything your first day. Getting my stuff together, like personal items. I need a comb and my giant cup. My room is shared, so the shower is in the hall-no worries there. 

My pens didn't make it in, so writing this on  a scrap paper with a grey Crayola Twistable-arts & craft supplies are always in abundance at this kind of place. I have my book to read and my planner so I can keep track of things. I wish I brought lined paper. Oh well, next time.

You notice funny things when you go to the psych ward. There are some unique rules also, like about spoons and stuff, which I will get into later. Things you notice are that there are no plastic bags, anywhere, paper only.

Got my cup and a brush!

16:44

This page is written on the back of a number search that I did earlier. Signed the consent forms for the drugs I am already taking. Now I have to pick my food for tomorrow-best part of the day. Time for my flu shot. Yippee Skippy!

18:40

Dinner:

• Black Bean Burger, California Blend, Chicken Noodle Soup, Chef Salad with Balsamic, and a Brownie

After dinner people pretty much dispersed. Some have visitors, while some are arguing with significant others over the phone. I still haven't seen the doctor, and by this time I doubt I will today. I and deciding how the rest of my evening will go, be social or introvert into my room. I should take some time to read. Maybe a puzzle. (This page was written on the back of a Sudoku.

I moved from Crayola to golf pencils. Seems to work better, ha ha ha! The people are interesting and nice. Perspective is relevant. 

19:43

Water: 44 oz

Benadryl on it's way to help with the congestion and drip. I hope it doesn't knock me out. 

I colored a picture for Gavin, goldfish, and did some Sudoku and started a number find that I plan on finishing tonight (and did).

20:35

Military time makes it easier to keep track of time. Another Sudoku done, and almost an hour and half till "bed time" at 22:00. South Park is on the one TV and I forgot how much I enjoy this show.

Snack:

• Popcorn

We have popcorn as an evening snack and there seems to be a TV tucked into every corner.

I have had more water tonight than the last week combined. I am gonna be peeing all night. Hopefully the popcorn soaks some up.

I should probably figure out what I want my goals to be, in writing for group, and the doctor, and whoever else asks. I already have a few ideas/thoughts running through my head:

• Routines, writing, more planning, time management, smaller lists, reading, coloring, time for self-care, journal/dot journaling, rate tasks by priority, less phone time/apps, support system, exercise

21:30

Oh my gosh, Crank Yankers is on! I have not watched this in forever!

I am so dehydrated that my hands look like skin on bones, old lady hands, sigh. Tomorrow they should look better, I hope (they did).

I am not tired, a little bored. Guess it is good that it is almost bed time. Ha, ha, forty-one years old with a bed time. Maybe I'll just read before bed. 

10/17/19
06:43

I just took the most productive shower I have taken in over a week. I didn't get to shave my legs, but washed my hair, twice, and even though it isn't brushed (yet), it feels amazing in the towel on my head.

The shower on the right is only okay, the facility of it is like a locker room or open concept bathroom. It can get a bit chilly, but it is not like I am at a spa and I could have used the amazing shower I have at home.

Sleep was minimal and in short bursts, even with the melatonin.  They keep night lights on in the room and bed checks cause the door to open, letting in more light. The bed is comfortable though and the room temp was perfect. Just need to brush my hair, lotion up, and wait for breakfast.

I only got up twice to potty and still dehydrated, but the water cup is half empty already. I want to drink four of these things today, three for sure to get my daily goal.

My nurse sat with me and I will see a case manager and the doctor today. Creating a safety plan will be part of my treatment.

Meds are done for the morning.

Breakfast:

• Scrambled Eggs, Bacon, Wheat Toast, Rice Krispies with Milk, Grapes, Coffee with Milk & Splenda

Snack:

• Vanilla Greek Yogurt, Banana

Water: 56 ounces

Let me tell you about the bathroom in the shared rooms. The toilet is a super flush 1000 noise wise, but needs a double flush for more than one wipe. The toilet paper is seriously in a hole in the wall. I wish I could have taken a picture for you. The door is another point of interest, the bottom foot (at least) is sawed off, and then a diagonal piece missing from the top. Oh, and it does not lock, it only catches in the door jam. The sink is normal and the mirror is one by two feet at best!

You get a care package also, it comes in a cardboard box, something similar that you would see at Christmas, were the sides fold down to seal it. Inside there is a slip that tells you what should be inside of it:

• Lip Balm, Lotion, Shampoo/Body Wash Gel, Toothbrush, Toothpaste

I did not get toothpaste, but I did bring my own and my toothbrush.  On the front of the pillow box it comes in, it says "Welcome to *********."

11:37

Meals are a big deal here. The menu goes on forever, just to give you a little insight, this is what you get:

• Breakfast: 1 Entree, 2 Sides, 1 Cereal, 1 Bakery, 1 Fruit, 1 Yogurt, 1 Beverage, Condiments
• Snack
• Lunch: 1 Entree, 2 Sides, 1 Bread/Chips, 1 Salad, 2 Desserts, 1 Beverage, Condiments
• Dinner: 1 Entree, 2 Sides, 1 Bread/Chips, 1 Salad, 2 Desserts, 1 Beverage, Condiments

If the doctor signs off, you can have two caffinated beverages a day, but they must be consumed by three o'clock in the afternoon. 

Two group sessions and a doctor consultation done and now an hour till lunch. Had my banana but debating if I want my yogurt or to wait. The doctor is adding one and changing another dosage of my medications to a higher dose. The new one should help me sleep and may provide some pain relief for the joints, oh and we are shooting for a Saturday, not Friday, discharge.

Oh my gosh, my feet are so dry and calloused, I need to lotion and sock up.

14:43

Another group session down and now waiting on Occupational Therapy (OT) which is at 15:00 (3:00 pm). Water consumption is going well, at 70 ounces and a regular potty princess. Group was good today, I opened with why I was here and what started my downward spiral. I was introduced to some ideas that were practical to put into place, such as working part-time instead of full-time. I saw the case worker also, got a couple of appointments set up/confirmed and was given the paperwork to start my Safety Plan. No plan, no discharge.

15:45

I made Gavin a sun catcher during OT this morning and afternoon. I am hoping to stick it to his fish tank so when he turns the light on, it catches it. I think about him all the time, but right now I don't miss him because I am working on me.

Water: 98 ounces

Lunch:

• Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes with Brown Gravy, Ceasar Salad with Creamy Dressing, Wheat Roll with Butter, Green Beans, Chocolate Milk, and Chocolate Pudding

19:54

Learned a few more coping skills in group from the counselor and my fellow "inmates," such as a comfort box. She explained it as a shoe box-sized container that contains items to engage your senses and bring you back to a happy, safe place. Another idea was to soften the anxiety of getting out by planning out the first few days, down to the minute if necessary (which I am doing for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday), and of course, knowing my support group and having a safety plan. 

• Comfort Box Item Ideas: Orange crayon, song lyrics, pictures, butterscotch, coffee beans

The evening was filled with another snack and Skip-Bo, possibly my new favorite card game.

Snack:

• Popcorn

10/18/19
10:31

Breakfast:

• Scrambled Eggs, Bacon, Cheddar Cheese Slice, English Muffin, Orange and Cranberry Juice, Coffee with Milk and Sugar, Rice Krispies with Milk, Pear

Water: 28 ounces

Morning group was good, made a mosaic fish for Gavin.  I have a nursing student from the local tech school at my hip today. She is nice, eager to learn. 

I saw the doctor again today, and she agrees we can shoot for a Saturday discharge (tomorrow). I slept amazing last night and only woke up twice, and once was to pee. I was a little groggy when I woke, but after some coffee and a shower I felt rested and refreshed.

11:39

Snack:

• String Cheese

Water: 56 ounces

Coping group went well, the topic was Silly Stress Strategies. The idea is to take a simple phrase, such as Taking Candy From A Baby, and use that to bring yourself back to perspective before you react to the stress.  Now we have free time till lunch at 12:45, and then group at 13:45 (1:45 pm). I have some phone calls to make and then probably socialize. 

11:52

My planner is gone from my room.  The CNA thinks that it was locked up for safety violations. Of course she is completely overwhelmed at the moment to ask the person that did room checks. While I understand, I am annoyed and trying to not lose my shit. 

12:16

My planner was in my locker because of my clips and id. Jeez, give a girl a heart attack. Called the people, well most of them, that I needed to and now locked out of my room because the CNA broke her key in the lock of my locker removing my planner for me. While annoying, again, it was hilarious and provided us with entertainment every time we saw her throughout the day. 

13:23

Lunch:

• Pizza with Peppers, California Blend, Squash, Garden Salad with French, Chocolate Ice Cream, Coffee with Sugar

Lunch is over and being cleared away. Someone tried to keep a spoon for later but was told no. Oh well, there are always more spoons. Now what to do till group. Probably more card playing, or writing.

There are a group of CNAs standing there doing nothing while one patient helps another patient eat.

15:57

Water: 84 ounces

Group was great today! We talked about stressers and did a work sheet to help identify them. After, we went over some of the thoughts that start/trigger the stressers. Now, an afternoon of Skip-Bo to pass the time. 

Snack: 

• Vanilla Greek Yogurt

Water: 90 ounces

18:34

Dinner:

• Roast Turkey, Green Beans, Mashed Potatoes with Chicken Gravy, Chef Salad with Ranch, Peppermint Tea with Lemon, and Berry Crisp

Water: 118 ounces

19:23

Chatting with the others that do not have visitors. After visiting hours, four of us will play Apples to Apples.  I am getting excited over the idea of going home tomorrow. I am anxious to see the critters and Gavin.

Snack:

• Popcorn, Cheerios with Milk

Water: 146 ounces

10/19/19
08:56

Breakfast

• Scrambled Eggs, Turkey Sausage Links with Syrup, Rice Krispies with Milk, OJ and Cranberry Juice, and Coffee with Milk and Sugar

Snack

• Vanilla Greek Yogurt

Slept pretty good again last night, the new meds seem to help with that. Hopefully works in the long run and not just a placebo affect. 

Today should be the day that I am discharged, I am showered and awaiting the doctor. In the mean time, group!

09:57

Water: 28 ounces

OT and coping therapy are being combined; we are making jars of joy. We take empty jars and decorate them with various items and modge podge. Inside there are strips of paper with sentances that promote you to think of happy thoughts, such as a favorite song, or a time that made you happy. 

10:54

The last group for the day is at 11:15 and then lunch at 12:45. I am anxious to see the doctor for a few reasons. I have questions about continuing the meds, discharge, and making sure the notes get to my current doctor on the outside. A 14:30 (2:30 p) would be perfect. I want to go home, but I do not want to be to anxious to leave.

12:56

Water: 56 ounces

Lunch

• Baked Macaroni & Cheese, California Blend, Chocolate Milk

Talked to the doctor and we are set for a 14:30 (2:30 p) discharge. My prescriptions were sent to the pharmacy and will probably be ready before I am. Group ran long, but was good, all about core beliefs. Lunch was right after and the last meal was pretty good, even if a little bland. Now to call my ride and my kid to plan the rest of the day. 

13:09

I left a voicemail for my ride and called about the kiddo-he is demanding to be with me today and wants to be at the house an extra day next week to make up for the day he was shorted (Friday).  This is all do-able.

14:11

My stuff is packed and I will be downstairs in ten minutes to leave.

***Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and possibly Tuesday will be in a separate blog***

Hashtag Smile

Remember the song, "You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile" from Annie?  Lately that song has been popping into my head more and more. I find a lot of truth into it, especially in this increasingly introvert world, where communication is mostly electronic and earbuds take the place of random conversation.

It makes me wonder if people, such as myself, find it more difficult now, than in previous generations, to handle anxiety and mental illness because as a society we see face to face interaction negatively. I try to be social. I am outgoing, do well meeting new people, and can hold my own at a party when I am the "plus 1" and don't know a soul there. A social butterfly, you might say.

So, if that is the case, why do I always find it preferable to stay home with my phone as the only connection to the outside world? Well, people mostly. The number one thing I noticed is that there are less smiles.  Surely it cannot be because we are all adults and soured by a life of responsibility. Is the state of the nation so poor that we are all sinking into despair? Who knows; not me, that is for sure.

Growing up in a retail environment, a smile was never more important. It made the customer feel welcome, made you approachable. Even in normal activities, flashing a smile can mean that you are acknowledging a person, an act of kindness or acceptance. While I think customer service is back on an up swing, it is still not where it was 20 years ago (yes, I am old enough to say that).

As it turns out, I smile naturally most of the time. I am a regular sparkling ray of sunshine when I am comfortable, or at least faking it, in public. When I am not, people tend to notice.

Recently I made a connection to my swing from "life of the party" to "prefer my couch."  Meds. Yep, my medication. I am stable-ish, my manic episodes have decreased and I don't sit in a hypo-manic state for extended amounts of time anymore. The plus is that I don't sit in depressive states for days to weeks at a time either.

The negative is that I have less energy (motivation) to go out in public. I don't mind walking in the park with a friend, but to go to a party, even Pampered Chef, is a bit much for me. As a matter of fact, anything more than three people is a lot for me. Going to work everyday, even with liking the job, can be hell. Knowing there will be an office, store, or warehouse full of other people that may want to interact. If they don't want to interact, I feel like a social pariah and my mind takes over, telling me that they are talking about me among themselves.

The result is that I have to either sparkle, or hide in my cube. Hiding in my cube means I can get a lot of work done, as long as I can focus. Sparkling means I need to be around people to engage. Too much sparkle can lead to mania, too much hiding can lead to depression. What a crazy see-saw! But the meds help and I have a great support network. 

This brings me back to the ever important smile. I have found that no matter what state I am in, a simple smile can enhance a situation by allowing me more control. When you smile, no one asks you what is wrong, people also feel more comfortable around you and can lead to a positive conversation starting. It also makes me feel good, even a sad or nervous smile.

Your smile could help other people too; they are contagious.  It could help make a person's day, maybe in a way you never imagined.

#smile

Feelings of Accomplishment Versus Society

So my previous post was about goals, this one is about accomplishments.  Maybe more importantly, the feelings that come along with them.  Did you ever finish a big project and felt like an all-star?  Well, what about getting out of bed, finally, after three days?  Both are huge accomplishments, but they feel so different.  I think those different feelings come from what we assume society thinks about the hierarchy of these individual tasks.

What if I sent you a message saying that I got out of bed and showered today?  Most people would think "So what?" Someone that is bipolar or suffers from depression or anxiety would tell you how amazing that is and how special I am. Do I feel special? No. I feel broken, weird, even useless, and depending on how the rest of the day goes, I will either snap out of it, be an emotional zombie, take up residence on the couch, or just go back to bed. 

On the flip side, I completed my entire Do List (of ridiculous length) and started doing random projects, after a full day of work. Most people would think that I was a champ, the bipolar, depressed, and anxious would ask me if I were okay. Even having a normal day raises questions.  So you got everything done?  You showered and went to work?  Did you eat today?  Okay, well, you are feeling okay, right?  Yes.  Are you sure? Yes, yes, I am fine.

It is almost like there is no acceptable way to live or act when bipolar. Whether normal, or ranges of mania or depression, every thing is normal, except normal, it seems.  So how does one that has a wild range of freely changing feelings and emotions be normal to society?  The short answer is that you can't.  Society, as a whole will fight for mental health and awareness, but in reality, they are fighting for a way to understand their loved ones. The stigma will be here for generations to come, awareness will be negative and positive, helpful and hurtful. So how do we live a healthy life through it? We tell society to fuck off, basically. Live in small communities, focus on having a few good friends instead of many.  Focus on you, period.

I am fortunate, I can be open with my family.  My mother does her own research and asks me many questions, which can be annoying and some times overwhelming, but I know she loves me and is only doing it because she cares. My dad, well, Bob Dylan has a lyric for every occasion. More importantly, my son.  He is currently eight years old. When he was five, I had my first (yes, I will probably have more) mental breakdown that ended up with my first inpatient stay in the psych ward.  Prior to that, I was on a fast track down the mental drain. I kept apologizing to him, telling him my head hurt. He doesn't remember that time now, but he did tell his friends' parents that I was in the hospital because of my head. Now he understands that I take medication to make me not-hyper. I think that is a fair explanation, considering it is his words and not mine.

How does this tie into feelings of accomplishment?  Well, my son doesn't see me as a stigma.  I am just his mom, that takes medication, like millions of other people. His friend take Ritalin, and he knows why.  You know, he couldn't care less.  He actually thinks more of that person for being open with him about his behavior. Kids are the best (and worst) when it comes to life and its daily problems. You are hyper? Big deal, lets go play. You are tired? We can watch a movie or play video games. Sad? Have a hug. If society as a whole were more like its smallest members, we would have a more open dialogue and be able to care for individuals in a way that is appropriate for them. 

I don't have a  great closing for this, maybe I will come up with one and edit it later, but for now, have a great day and thank you for stopping!!