Letting the Family In

How I feel sometimes when it comes to family..... Alone

So now I have an official diagnosis, a psychiatrist that I trust and some medication, which I will get into more about the medication cycles in another blog.  Now what?

Well, I told my husband (now ex) first, that went oh so well.  He was partially relived, but mostly he was embarrassed and did not want me telling any of our friends.  My brother was a riot, as always, and asked what the symptoms were so he could compare.  We self-diagnosed him ADHD, which is why I love my brother, we both can see the humor in any situation.  My aunt was super surprised, confused, worried, well, everything, but super supportive.  She asked a ton of questions, most of them I did not even know the answers too, so I had to research them and get back to her.  That is the extent of my relatives that know.  There is no reason my parents do not know, I just have not told them.  Some of my friends know, the good ones, you know that kind that you can call at two o'clock in the morning crying and they say they will be right there.  They laughed and said they have known for years, it's about time I figured it out.

So far, this may seem like fun and games, but I assure you that I understand the serious of this and use humor as a coping mechanism.  I cannot dwell on things, especially bad things, I have to roll my eyes, laugh at it and move on to the next step.

The stigma involving mental health is real, and even though I have not personally dealt with it yet, my aunt has encountered people spewing "facts" about what it is like to be bipolar, and how those diagnosed should all be locked up in a mental institution because they are all crazy and a danger to society.  She was flabbergasted, where I would have just rolled my eyes.

I am grateful to say that I have an amazing support group between friends, family, coworkers, and healthcare providers.  I see all of these memes and stuff on Facebook about how people went though hell and back alone and survived just fine, well good for them, but I promise you, you do not have too!!  Thinking about suicide just once, is once too many, knowing just one person that committed suicide is one too many...  Most counties have a Crisis program, that you can call at anytime of day or night and speak with a counselor.

There is also the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255 or visit their website to learn more about helping out yourself or a friend.

Now that you know a little bit more about me, I hope you will want to come back and visit!!  Please feel free to follow me so you do not miss anything.

Danielle

To Be Kissed

When I picked the title, Kissed by Madness, it was a reference to being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I have always known that I marched to the beat of my own drum and did not see the need for some of society's rules, but it was something more than just being rebel.  When I hit puberty, things took on a new level.  I started experiencing mood swings, which every summed up to me being a teenage girl.  My thoughts were running wild, I went from being on the honor roll to not remembering what just came out of the teacher's mouth.  Things did not interest me as much, nothing interested me when I was down, I could not get enough of life when I was up (will explain more about ups and downs).  Things were just not adding up.

I talked to a couple of counselors and therapists, all who just dismissed me as being a confused teenager, and just said the heck with it-this is me.

Marching to your own beat is hard when the band is playing a different tune, and it has put me in some situations that I would prefer to not find myself in again, but on the flip side, (there is always a flip side with being Bipolar) I had some amazing experiences due to my bold nature.  I know I am being very vague here, but this is the first time I am publicly expressing all of this.  My hope is to do some follow up articles on Bipolar Disorder, including managing day-to-day tasks, parenting, being in a relationship, and dealing with your family and the stigma of mental health.  For right now though, I am just jotting down some thoughts on a page to share with you how I came to be.

Anything involving a commitment, such as a job or relationship, has always been hard for me. Monogamy is just not in my vocabulary and because of that, I am sure you could image that my relationships are generally pretty short.  I was actually married for almost thirteen years, but I was miserable on so many levels, so I got a divorce.  I will probably blog about that too, cause why not?!  Employment, even though necessary, is another evil.  I could hold down a job for anywhere from a month to three years.  I only passed the three year mark once and made it almost four.  The trick was that I had to constantly change what I was doing. Then I went part-time, that was the real ticket for me, but alas, I am unemployed again.

Does any of this sound familiar?  If so, please take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  If not, then please know that I know I am not alone and someone you care about may be feeling the same way.

In the Spring of 2010, I found out I was pregnant with my first and only child.  I was 31-years old, married, a home-owner, had two cats, and two dogs.  We tried for years before giving up.  It had been years since we gave up.  But now, in the middle of a bathroom demolition, sledgehammer and all, I found out I was going to be a mom, to a human.  This was the beginning of the end of my sanity and life as I knew it.  Little did I know that in a few short months I would be a lunatic, being pregnant was my stresser, the one thing that ended up pushing me over the fence between sanity and psychotic.
I suddenly had no patience for people, I would snap and yell.  I had no filter, what ever I thought of you at the moment is what came out of my mouth.  I did not even try to put my normal spin of sarcastic elegance on it.  Ladies and gentlemen, I was a c*nt, with a capital C.  After I had the baby (boy), I mellowed out a little, but that did not last long, soon I was ready to be out on the town instead of stuck home with a husband and baby.  When I was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving, my life took another turn, a turn onto the long, bumpy road of recovery, so to speak.

In February of 2013, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

To Be Kissed

When I picked the title, Kissed by Madness, it was a reference to being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I have always known that I marched to the beat of my own drum and did not see the need for some of society's rules, but it was something more than just being rebel.  When I hit puberty, things took on a new level.  I started experiencing mood swings, which every summed up to me being a teenage girl.  My thoughts were running wild, I went from being on the honor roll to not remembering what just came out of the teacher's mouth.  Things did not interest me as much, nothing interested me when I was down, I could not get enough of life when I was up (will explain more about ups and downs).  Things were just not adding up.

I talked to a couple of counselors and therapists, all who just dismissed me as being a confused teenager, and just said the heck with it-this is me.

Marching to your own beat is hard when the band is playing a different tune, and it has put me in some situations that I would prefer to not find myself in again, but on the flip side, (there is always a flip side with being Bipolar) I had some amazing experiences due to my bold nature.  I know I am being very vague here, but this is the first time I am publicly expressing all of this.  My hope is to do some follow up articles on Bipolar Disorder, including managing day-to-day tasks, parenting, being in a relationship, and dealing with your family and the stigma of mental health.  For right now though, I am just jotting down some thoughts on a page to share with you how I came to be.

Anything involving a commitment, such as a job or relationship, has always been hard for me. Monogamy is just not in my vocabulary and because of that, I am sure you could image that my relationships are generally pretty short.  I was actually married for almost thirteen years, but I was miserable on so many levels, so I got a divorce.  I will probably blog about that too, cause why not?!  Employment, even though necessary, is another evil.  I could hold down a job for anywhere from a month to three years.  I only passed the three year mark once and made it almost four.  The trick was that I had to constantly change what I was doing. Then I went part-time, that was the real ticket for me, but alas, I am unemployed again.

Does any of this sound familiar?  If so, please take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  If not, then please know that I know I am not alone and someone you care about may be feeling the same way.

In the Spring of 2010, I found out I was pregnant with my first and only child.  I was 31-years old, married, a home-owner, had two cats, and two dogs.  We tried for years before giving up.  It had been years since we gave up.  But now, in the middle of a bathroom demolition, sledgehammer and all, I found out I was going to be a mom, to a human.  This was the beginning of the end of my sanity and life as I knew it.  Little did I know that in a few short months I would be a lunatic, being pregnant was my stresser, the one thing that ended up pushing me over the fence between sanity and psychotic.
I suddenly had no patience for people, I would snap and yell.  I had no filter, what ever I thought of you at the moment is what came out of my mouth.  I did not even try to put my normal spin of sarcastic elegance on it.  Ladies and gentlemen, I was a c*nt, with a capital C.  After I had the baby (boy), I mellowed out a little, but that did not last long, soon I was ready to be out on the town instead of stuck home with a husband and baby.  When I was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving, my life took another turn, a turn onto the long, bumpy road of recovery, so to speak.

In February of 2013, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Checking In

I apologize, I know it has been a while, but I really have had a lot going on.  I am going to try and figure out exactly what direction this blog is going in, and if I am going to keep the name.  As it turns out, an e-book was published this year with the same name, and if I even can keep the name!!

Since I have always had the intention to use this as a form of therapy for myself, to clean my brain out so to speak, I am going to try and put it in a format that may also be helpful for you.  Who knows, I can't be the only one that is crazy, right?  I will be updating the "About Me" section and thinking about adding in little "corners" for odd tidbits.

If you are reading this, please feel free to take a moment to let me know what brought you here today!!

Thank you for your patience and support!
Danielle