So my previous post was about goals, this one is about accomplishments. Maybe more importantly, the feelings that come along with them. Did you ever finish a big project and felt like an all-star? Well, what about getting out of bed, finally, after three days? Both are huge accomplishments, but they feel so different. I think those different feelings come from what we assume society thinks about the hierarchy of these individual tasks.
What if I sent you a message saying that I got out of bed and showered today? Most people would think "So what?" Someone that is bipolar or suffers from depression or anxiety would tell you how amazing that is and how special I am. Do I feel special? No. I feel broken, weird, even useless, and depending on how the rest of the day goes, I will either snap out of it, be an emotional zombie, take up residence on the couch, or just go back to bed.
On the flip side, I completed my entire Do List (of ridiculous length) and started doing random projects, after a full day of work. Most people would think that I was a champ, the bipolar, depressed, and anxious would ask me if I were okay. Even having a normal day raises questions. So you got everything done? You showered and went to work? Did you eat today? Okay, well, you are feeling okay, right? Yes. Are you sure? Yes, yes, I am fine.
It is almost like there is no acceptable way to live or act when bipolar. Whether normal, or ranges of mania or depression, every thing is normal, except normal, it seems. So how does one that has a wild range of freely changing feelings and emotions be normal to society? The short answer is that you can't. Society, as a whole will fight for mental health and awareness, but in reality, they are fighting for a way to understand their loved ones. The stigma will be here for generations to come, awareness will be negative and positive, helpful and hurtful. So how do we live a healthy life through it? We tell society to fuck off, basically. Live in small communities, focus on having a few good friends instead of many. Focus on you, period.
I am fortunate, I can be open with my family. My mother does her own research and asks me many questions, which can be annoying and some times overwhelming, but I know she loves me and is only doing it because she cares. My dad, well, Bob Dylan has a lyric for every occasion. More importantly, my son. He is currently eight years old. When he was five, I had my first (yes, I will probably have more) mental breakdown that ended up with my first inpatient stay in the psych ward. Prior to that, I was on a fast track down the mental drain. I kept apologizing to him, telling him my head hurt. He doesn't remember that time now, but he did tell his friends' parents that I was in the hospital because of my head. Now he understands that I take medication to make me not-hyper. I think that is a fair explanation, considering it is his words and not mine.
How does this tie into feelings of accomplishment? Well, my son doesn't see me as a stigma. I am just his mom, that takes medication, like millions of other people. His friend take Ritalin, and he knows why. You know, he couldn't care less. He actually thinks more of that person for being open with him about his behavior. Kids are the best (and worst) when it comes to life and its daily problems. You are hyper? Big deal, lets go play. You are tired? We can watch a movie or play video games. Sad? Have a hug. If society as a whole were more like its smallest members, we would have a more open dialogue and be able to care for individuals in a way that is appropriate for them.
I don't have a great closing for this, maybe I will come up with one and edit it later, but for now, have a great day and thank you for stopping!!
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