Getting to Know You

I was on Pinterest one night and came across this post/blog by Sharon Martin, LCSW at Happily Imperfect and decided to take a look.  It included questions to help know yourself better, and I thought, how fun!  Well, it took me over a week to answer all of them, but I am pretty happy with the results, so I thought I would post them here for you.  I strongly suggest checking out Happily Imperfect, it is a great read and I like it so much, I subscribed to it!

Questions to help you know yourself better:

1. What are my strengths? I am strong.
2. What are my short-term goals? Get a new job and keep all my bills up to date.
   Long-term goals? Be my own boss.
3. Who matters most to me? My son, Gavin.
   Who are my support people? My family and a few close friends.
4. What am I ashamed of? Not always being able to control my mental illness.
5. What do I like to do for fun? That depends on what kind of mood I am in.  I like to read, watch movies, hang out with my son, or chill with a couple close friends.
6. What new activities am I interested in or willing to try? I want to get back into the outdoors, snowshoeing, yoga, and Pilates.
7. What am I worried about? The future.
8. What are my values? I value being a good person.
   What do I believe in? (consider politics, religion, social issues) Loving one another, treating others the way you want to be treated.  Be a good person; stand up for those that cannot stand up for themselves.
9. If I could have one wish, it would be to have financial freedom.
10. Where do I feel safest? At home, or with my brother, and at my mom’s house.
11. What or who gives me comfort? My brother, a few close friends, when my son says he loves me.
12. If I wasn’t afraid, I would be unstoppable.
13. What is my proudest accomplishment? Creating a life I want to stick around for.
14. What is my biggest failure? Marriage.
15. Am I a night owl or an early bird? Neither and both.  I am prefer being a night owl.
    How can I arrange my life to better suit this part of my nature? It is hard with a young child, he has to be in school in the morning and gets up at the crack of dawn on the weekends.
16. What do I like about my job? Currently, not much.  But, I do get to work by myself.
    What do I dislike? I want to work from home.
17. What does my inner critic tell me? Stop being so critical. Stop being your own worst enemy.  Get off of the woe is me train and get to it!
18. What do I do to show myself self-compassion and self-care? I love pedicures, whether I do them myself or get them done.
19. Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert
    Am I energized being around others or being by myself? Both. 
20. What am I passionate about? Life.
21. What is my happiest memory? A party at Uncle Johnny’s house, where my dad and the guys were sitting around the fire with their guitars, singing songs and strumming along, with all of us kids dancing around.
22. What do my dreams tell me? I am afraid of drowning.
23. What is my favorite book? Panda Bear’s Paintbox
    Movie? Practical Magic
    Band? Social Distortion
    Food? Pasta
    Color? Red
    Animal? Lion
24. What am I grateful for? Everyday.
25. When I’m feeling down I like to go for a drive and crank the music.
26. I know I’m stressed when I cannot finish a sentence or feel overwhelmed. 

Girls Just Want to Have Fun!

One day, a couple months ago, I found my son's Lego character in my bag.  I spent the entire day posing him around the building, taking fun photos.  I didn't tell him about it, he just found them in my phone a couple of days later.  He was shocked, confused, and excited all at the same time.

I do this kind of stuff all of the time.  It is fun.  It makes me smile, and I know that it will make him smile too.  One night, I was watching television and everyone was in bed.  I set up his little kitchen for desert.  He woke up the next morning just confused.

I always thought I had a good life, I was married, had a house, the checking account had money it.  We had friends, through parties, and went out.  When I got pregnant unexpectedly, it was game changer.  It broke me mentally, but in a way it gave me a chance for rebirth myself.  I learned to have fun again.  Real fun, not the kind that wears off when the alarm goes off in the morning, but the kind that just lingers forever.  I learned to have fun like a child again.  Even though I was a socialite in a sense, it really didn't mean anything, it was just filling a void.

Now everyone loves their family, but for the first time ever, I felt this unconditional love and joy for myself and this little extension of me.  He is now six, and time does fly.  Even though the last six years, I have really struggled with my mental instability, it is this child, that loves me to the moon and back, that has really showed me what life is about.  He is my heartbeat, my reason for everything.  He gives me strength.  He has taught me that life is too short.  Say to hell with the dusting, and go to the park!  Take the dog for a longer walk; soak in the tub instead of that quick shower.  Enjoy the little moments.  After all, in the end, that is all that is left, a bunch of little moments.

Hello Insomnia, My Old Friend

10:17

I am laying here in bed,  for about 45 minutes now, trying to push aside all of my hopes, dreams, and fears so I can fall asleep.  The truth is, I am a dizzy from all of the thoughts running through my head faster than I can glimpse them.   This happens often. Sometimes I can push them away, sometimes I cannot.

I think the hardest part is not really knowing what they are, just catching a bit or piece of them here and there. Finally focusing on one, to have it interrupted by another. It is like having a room full of sugared-up toddlers in my brain. Occasionally I get the migraine to go along with it.  Soon I will get up, again,  to go to the bathroom,  and then crawl back into bed, attempt to get comfortable,  hopefully drifting off to sleep.

If I am lucky, I will sleep through the night, but that is unlikely in any mental state for me. As long as the thoughts are running, my mind will race trying to keep up with them,  which is crazy because it is that same mind that is creating them. Have you ever tried telling your brain to turn off? Well, it doesn't work that way apparently.

I do have a few tricks up my sleeve, but none of them work all the time, and some nights,  none of them work.

• I read something in print, like a book. Screen time is bad news before bed. Magazines just do not do it for me in this scenario; it has to be a book.
• I pet the cat. Feeling her warmth, and listening to her purr while running my fingers through her soft coat is very soothing to me. I concentrate on the sound of her purrs and usually can drift off to sleep, or at least a very relaxed state.
• I write. Similar to what I am doing now, except with pen and paper. Using anything with a screen would counteract the benefits.  
• I talk to myself. I just say everything out loud. Taking the words from your head and putting a voice to them, to me, gives some clarity on the thought and helps it on its way.
• Orgasms. However you get one is your business,  but the release you get is amazingly therapeutic.
• Having a snack. I only eat certain foods after a certain time, but having a snack, like a bowl of cereal,  an english muffin with cream cheese, string cheese, or even a glass of milk, can give your body enough  a satisfactory feeling to let you sleep.
• Avoid alcohol. You may think that you can have a couple to help you fall asleep,  but you will not stay asleep, and the quality of what you do get will be poor.

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Last night, the cat purring is what finally did it for me.  I only woke up once or twice, but my kid got up at the butt crack of dawn, so I will be exhausted all day.  The best thing that I can do to deal with this, is to put a smile on my face, concentrate on my to do list, and have some fun with the kiddo.  After all, he did make me two pictures already this morning that profess his love for me :)  

A Gavin original! 

Own Worst Enemy

I am tired today.  The sun is shining, it is Friday, but I am tired.  I would like nothing more than to be under the covers sleeping the morning away.  Now my mind is overthinking this; is it because I am going to hit a depression episode, or is it just because I am tired from scrolling through Pinterest till eleven last night.  Did I not sleep well because I am worried about my job, or because I am cycling into a new mood?  Yes, I am my own worst enemy. I am actually giving myself a headache.

I am lucky enough to be home today because the dog gets his stitches out.  Do not fret, he just had a growth removed from over his eye.  Surgery went well and he has been sporting three purple stitches.  Today he gets them removed, which he will be soooo thrilled about.  His name is Colt.  He is now 13 years old, will be 14 in June.  Colt is my baby (other than my son, of course).  My ex-husband and I adopted Colt when he was only eight weeks old.  The pound named him Skylar because he had blue eyes.  What a silly name for such a dog.  Maybe more about him later.  I feel like I am getting distracted.

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Well that wasn't so bad, he got a car ride and swooned over by the techs, so Colt is a happy camper.  I on the other hand, am frustrated with my 9-5 job and just really want out of the rat race.  I do not mind sitting at the computer all day, or even working, working hard, I actually excel at it.  What I do mind is getting a new boss every other month, having my job description change along with that new boss, and sitting a cubicle farm when I can be sitting home, in my pajamas, doing the same exact work.  Maybe my blog will take off and I can become an internet sensation!!  That would be cool, making my own hours, writing about what I love or want to know more about.  That would be the life!  I could concentrate on this and Colt's Bones, where I sell all kinds of things from bags, to dog and cat toys.  You can like us/them on Facebook also!

Okay, I am done shamelessly plugging myself for now.  Long story short, I just really want to create; I want to be able to keep my own hours to coincide with my cycles.  I want to be my own boss-the American Dream.  I am a second-generation American; my grandparents worked hard to give my parents a better life, my parents worked hard to give me better life.  So why am I still working so hard to give my son a better life?  Why am I still limping by, paycheck to paycheck?  Because I live in a society and work in a force where I am disposable.  Don't show up to work because of a massive depressive episode? Oh well, on to the next person.

That loyalty that use to exist between employee and employer is no longer.  There are just too many people to fill the generic job positions available.  We do not get our shoes fixed anymore, we buy a new pair.  Stained your shirt?  Lost a button? Just get a new one!  By making everything in our lives disposable, we have made ourselves disposable as well.  Downtown store fronts are vacant because people rather purchase quantity of quality from the Wal-Mart's and Targets moving in across the nation.  Yes, these establishments create jobs, but at what cost?  A family of four can no longer survive on one income, hell, a family of one can barely survive on one income.

So where does this leave someone with mental health issues?  Well, usually at the bottom of the ladder, getting ready to climb again.

Waking Up Toxic

This morning started out like a normal morning: alarm goes off, hit snooze, check my emails from under the covers, reply to a few text messages, check in with some people.  Pretty easy stuff to do from under the confines of your comfy blanket.

One of the text messages I sent got a reply: "Yuck.  I'm so goddamn crabby today.  I hope no one talks to me. Except you."  Here is how the rest of the conversation goes:

Me: Any special reason or just crabby?
Friend: Just woke up annoyed at life.
Me: Gotcha.  Very familiar with that feeling.
Friend: I knew u would know.
Me: It is a toxic feeling, anger, despair, hopelessness
Friend: Yes
Me: And a dash of feeling lost
Friend: God yes
Me: Super big hug, the kind you can just bury yourself in and feel safe.
Friend: Awe thanks!

Why am I sharing this?  Well because she is right, I do know.  My heart hurts for her today, because I know how toxic it is to feel that way and there is really nothing you can do but wait for it to run its course.  Walking through your day like a zombie, physically unable to smile for more than a second, ready to break out in tears at any moment.  Just feeling like your whole body is going to stop and you are going to collapse into the fetal position and lose your mind right there.  You do not want to be at work, but you do not want to be at home.  You do not know where you want to be, where you belong.  You literally and figuratively want to do and think nothing.

She knows I understand.  How does she know that?  Because she was there for me when I felt that way.  She is part of the reason I started this blog; she always tells me that I can pinpoint exactly how she is feeling, put it into words, give it a face.  We all know it is easier to fight a demon with a face than an invisible one.  Is the fight over?  No, but we both know she does not have to fight alone.  She has an ally, as do I, one that truly understands the pain and agony of waking up toxic.

Free Styling the Mind; A New Post for a New Purpose.

So I have recently decided that for a while at least, the posts will basically be like a diary.  A semi-raw version of what goes on in my head, my thoughts, fears, dreams, etc, and what goes on during my day to create such thoughts, or how I deal with them.

Keeping a journal has always been helpful to me, but then it dawned on me, why should I put it all down in a journal when I can put it all down on here.  This is like two birds/one stone.  Besides, I am pretty sure that I am not the only one that thinks the things I do, or acts the way I act about certain things.  You know what?  I think that is okay, and maybe you should know that you are not the only one that does or thinks certain things.

I currently have my hands in a few different baskets, and that can make me into a basket case.  I am looking for a new job, I am trying to keep the blog up and running on a more regular basis, and I have an Etsy shop (www.etsy.com/shop/ColtsBones).  That is just the business side of me. Financially, I have incurred some debt that I am slowly but surely paying off (no mom, I do not wish to talk about it), as a mother, I am constantly wondering if I am doing the right thing by letting him stay up for fifteen extra minutes, or saying no to desert because he didn't finish his chicken.

Today is a good day though, I feel on top of it (life), and that means, hopefully, things will get accomplished today.  I have a very small to do list, which I have learned is the way to go, and a bigger task list.  In the last seven days, I have been able to keep the to do list in check and have even crossed five things off of the task list.  Crossing things off, deleting them, what ever for the list is in, it is empowering!  First, I know that I completed something, and second, I no longer have the mental burden of it needing to be completed.  This gives me the motivation to do more, and when I have come to the point I cannot do anymore for what ever reason, I actually feel good and want to reward myself with a movie, or something special to eat, sometimes, it is something as silly as a new lip gloss (which I am addicted to possibly)!  What ever the reward, it is rewarding to know that the list is shorter because I completed something.

Whether in a manic episode, or depressed, completing things is sometimes impossible.  It seems like something so simple: clean the litter box, wash the dishes....  but in a depressed state, these things seem nearly impossible to accomplish.  In a manic state, you just keep putting it off because so many other things distract you.  It is a no-win situation some days, so I just cross my fingers and hope that tomorrow is a better day, a "normal" day.

I am happy to say that posting this post is on the task list, so I can cross something off as completed!  I think this has earned me a mini bag of Cheetos!