09:15
I was going to do a post about gratitude, but I am just not feeling it yet, I don't have words to go with the feelings. Instead, I think I might just write about random thoughts and feelings I am having now that I am back home, settled in and getting back on with life.
If you read my previous blog, Coming Home After My 2nd Inpatient Stay, then you already know that I have been getting things somewhat back in order. I think by the end of the week, a full round of chores, I will have a better handle on things. The daily schedule helps keep me on track.
One thing that has been driving me crazy is Social Security. I have been trying to get into my account for six weeks and still nothing. I called today and basically I can wait 5-10 busiess days to see if my 3rd request for a password reset comes, go to my local office, or just delete my account (that I don't remember creating to begin with) and start over. I started over. It took five minutes. Now I can apply for disabilty.
I still have some information I need to collect, but at least I can enter everything I already have and see if there is something different I might need since I have been working off of a paper application. The amount of information is not overwhelming, it is the detail in all of it. For example, every job I have ever worked in the last ten years or something like that. Also all of my providers. Thankfully (gratitiude) I have had the same shrink for seven years. It is the previous one and the hospital stays that get tricky, also the couselors. I know one, sort of, but can't remember the other one at all.
Why disabilty? The decision came after I lost my most recent job, and it came easily. I have realized that at this point in my life I am incapable of holding down a job, at least a full-time one. While I can survive on part-time pay, the hours generally suck, and it would be just that, surviving, not living.
I have talked about it with a couple of friends, who of course agree, and my shrink, who also agrees this is a good course of action for me to help secure myself and my family financially. Finances have always been a source of stress and a trigger for more extreme behavior or the opposite, a depression spiral.
I am grateful for my mom (more gratitude), all of the help she has provided, and the money she has shelled out keeping me afloat. To repay her, I am handing over my tax return to her this year. Hopefully that covers some of it. For example, my water was shut off yesterday because my bill is about three months behind and I have been paying just enough to keep it on. Yesterday, I missed the cut off time to pay the bill, was shut off, and had to pay the full past due amount to get it put back on. $200 on the credit card (hers), and $60 in cash later (all of my cash except for what I need to put towards rent), I am scheduled to be turned back on, which I was.
I am tired of things like this happening, but I can never keep it together for long enough, not even long enough, but consistently. So I took my counseling appointment for day treatment seriously. I learned that there is a thing (technique) called DBT Therapy that could be very beneficial to me. When I find out more, I will let you know. There is a coping skills group that meets twice a month right up the road from me. The first meeting is next week and I will be there.
I am right on track for today, actually ahead of the game a little bit!!
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