Tomorrow (Wednesday) I am going for my second inpatient stay for Bi-Polar 1. I will be off grid for approximately 72 hours. I will not be reachable as I am looking to take care of myself in that time, so please refrain from blowing up my phone-I won't have it.
Thank you.
That message didn't go out. I only wanted a few people to know where I was going. Everyone else could wait until I got back.
I put the pup in her kennel around 10. Went to pick up the friend staying at my house so they could drop me off. Feelings of fear, sadness, and calm mixed around my heart and my head. Is it the right time? I know I have been planning it for two weeks, but today? That was it-I had to stop stalling and just go.
Pulling into the hospital, driving up to the emergency room doors, more feelings, this time despair. Leaving the cats and pup for this long makes me nervous. What will I tell Gavin? He will surely ask since he is staying with dad for an extra night.
Last time it was easier; there was no planning, just a breakdown leading to the emergency room and a bunch of phone calls to make the next day. Gavin was young, only 4 or 5, he was good with mommy being in the hospital for her head. Now he is older and asks more questions.
I have never lied to him about my mental state and I don't plan on starting.
Good news, the hospital has a bed for me, I get to stay here. This is ideal as this is the hospital my shrink suggested and I don't like the doctor at the other hospital. He miss diagnosed me a few years before my 1st stay and I feel he over medicates. This hospital also has a day treatment center that provides follow up care.
Follow-up care is important. You are isolated for three days and then thrown back into the world that ate you up and spit you into the hospital in the first place. In 2015, I was more afraid to leave the safety of inpatient than I was to come here this Wednesday morning.
Seriously though, why am I here today? What is the reason? Well, simply, that I am having a hard time caring for myself and others. All of the coping skills I have accumulated over the years have failed me these last few weeks.
The ladies at the registration desk were really nice. I told them I wanted to check myself in for a 72-hour hold. They didn't pass judgment; they treated me like a regular human being, a regular patient.
The sit in the waiting room was short but seemed like an eternity. The lady from the pharmacy just came in to verify my medications.
The walk to the emergency rooms is a blank in my mind already. Now the fun part.
The triage nurse asks you some questions, then you get a room/bed in the ER. Then the nurse comes, takes your blood, urine, and vitals, confirms your previous answers and asks some more questions. She is nice though, seems genuinely concerned for her patients.
The doctor comes in, apologizes for my wait and has a few clarification questions for me. There are no beds he tells me (we already know that one opens up for me).
10/16/19
15:50
15:50
I was officially admitted to the 4th floor at approximately 13:45 (01:45 p). After checking, I was just in time for group. Group is good; you can get a lot out of it as long as you are willing to put a little bit in. After forty-five minutes, everyone feels better and we move on to the next thing.
For me, the next thing was lunch. They never skimp on the food.
- Chicken Stir-Fry over Brown Rice, Green Beans, Squash, Garden Salad with French, Apple Crisp, and Chocolate Milk
While eating my lunch, more questions, but we are good now, till more questions, the same questions, from the doctor. I should see her today. She already has my birth control order in, so I like her already.
I missed the Occupational Therapy group, but can't do everything your first day. Getting my stuff together, like personal items. I need a comb and my giant cup. My room is shared, so the shower is in the hall-no worries there.
My pens didn't make it in, so writing this on a scrap paper with a grey Crayola Twistable-arts & craft supplies are always in abundance at this kind of place. I have my book to read and my planner so I can keep track of things. I wish I brought lined paper. Oh well, next time.
You notice funny things when you go to the psych ward. There are some unique rules also, like about spoons and stuff, which I will get into later. Things you notice are that there are no plastic bags, anywhere, paper only.
Got my cup and a brush!
16:44
This page is written on the back of a number search that I did earlier. Signed the consent forms for the drugs I am already taking. Now I have to pick my food for tomorrow-best part of the day. Time for my flu shot. Yippee Skippy!
18:40
Dinner:
- Black Bean Burger, California Blend, Chicken Noodle Soup, Chef Salad with Balsamic, and a Brownie
I moved from Crayola to golf pencils. Seems to work better, ha ha ha! The people are interesting and nice. Perspective is relevant.
19:43
Water: 44 oz
Benadryl on it's way to help with the congestion and drip. I hope it doesn't knock me out.
I colored a picture for Gavin, goldfish, and did some Sudoku and started a number find that I plan on finishing tonight (and did).
20:35
Military time makes it easier to keep track of time. Another Sudoku done, and almost an hour and half till "bed time" at 22:00. South Park is on the one TV and I forgot how much I enjoy this show.
Snack:
- Popcorn
We have popcorn as an evening snack and there seems to be a TV tucked into every corner.
I have had more water tonight than the last week combined. I am gonna be peeing all night. Hopefully the popcorn soaks some up.
I should probably figure out what I want my goals to be, in writing for group, and the doctor, and whoever else asks. I already have a few ideas/thoughts running through my head:
- Routines, writing, more planning, time management, smaller lists, reading, coloring, time for self-care, journal/dot journaling, rate tasks by priority, less phone time/apps, support system, exercise
21:30
Oh my gosh, Crank Yankers is on! I have not watched this in forever!
I am so dehydrated that my hands look like skin on bones, old lady hands, sigh. Tomorrow they should look better, I hope (they did).
I am not tired, a little bored. Guess it is good that it is almost bed time. Ha, ha, forty-one years old with a bed time. Maybe I'll just read before bed.
10/17/19
06:43
06:43
I just took the most productive shower I have taken in over a week. I didn't get to shave my legs, but washed my hair, twice, and even though it isn't brushed (yet), it feels amazing in the towel on my head.
The shower on the right is only okay, the facility of it is like a locker room or open concept bathroom. It can get a bit chilly, but it is not like I am at a spa and I could have used the amazing shower I have at home.
Sleep was minimal and in short bursts, even with the melatonin. They keep night lights on in the room and bed checks cause the door to open, letting in more light. The bed is comfortable though and the room temp was perfect. Just need to brush my hair, lotion up, and wait for breakfast.
I only got up twice to potty and still dehydrated, but the water cup is half empty already. I want to drink four of these things today, three for sure to get my daily goal.
My nurse sat with me and I will see a case manager and the doctor today. Creating a safety plan will be part of my treatment.
Meds are done for the morning.
Breakfast:
11:37
Meals are a big deal here. The menu goes on forever, just to give you a little insight, this is what you get:
Two group sessions and a doctor consultation done and now an hour till lunch. Had my banana but debating if I want my yogurt or to wait. The doctor is adding one and changing another dosage of my medications to a higher dose. The new one should help me sleep and may provide some pain relief for the joints, oh and we are shooting for a Saturday, not Friday, discharge.
Oh my gosh, my feet are so dry and calloused, I need to lotion and sock up.
14:43
Another group session down and now waiting on Occupational Therapy (OT) which is at 15:00 (3:00 pm). Water consumption is going well, at 70 ounces and a regular potty princess. Group was good today, I opened with why I was here and what started my downward spiral. I was introduced to some ideas that were practical to put into place, such as working part-time instead of full-time. I saw the case worker also, got a couple of appointments set up/confirmed and was given the paperwork to start my Safety Plan. No plan, no discharge.
15:45
I made Gavin a sun catcher during OT this morning and afternoon. I am hoping to stick it to his fish tank so when he turns the light on, it catches it. I think about him all the time, but right now I don't miss him because I am working on me.
Water: 98 ounces
The shower on the right is only okay, the facility of it is like a locker room or open concept bathroom. It can get a bit chilly, but it is not like I am at a spa and I could have used the amazing shower I have at home.
Sleep was minimal and in short bursts, even with the melatonin. They keep night lights on in the room and bed checks cause the door to open, letting in more light. The bed is comfortable though and the room temp was perfect. Just need to brush my hair, lotion up, and wait for breakfast.
I only got up twice to potty and still dehydrated, but the water cup is half empty already. I want to drink four of these things today, three for sure to get my daily goal.
My nurse sat with me and I will see a case manager and the doctor today. Creating a safety plan will be part of my treatment.
Meds are done for the morning.
Breakfast:
- Scrambled Eggs, Bacon, Wheat Toast, Rice Krispies with Milk, Grapes, Coffee with Milk & Splenda
Snack:
- Vanilla Greek Yogurt, Banana
Water: 56 ounces
Let me tell you about the bathroom in the shared rooms. The toilet is a super flush 1000 noise wise, but needs a double flush for more than one wipe. The toilet paper is seriously in a hole in the wall. I wish I could have taken a picture for you. The door is another point of interest, the bottom foot (at least) is sawed off, and then a diagonal piece missing from the top. Oh, and it does not lock, it only catches in the door jam. The sink is normal and the mirror is one by two feet at best!
You get a care package also, it comes in a cardboard box, something similar that you would see at Christmas, were the sides fold down to seal it. Inside there is a slip that tells you what should be inside of it:
- Lip Balm, Lotion, Shampoo/Body Wash Gel, Toothbrush, Toothpaste
11:37
Meals are a big deal here. The menu goes on forever, just to give you a little insight, this is what you get:
- Breakfast: 1 Entree, 2 Sides, 1 Cereal, 1 Bakery, 1 Fruit, 1 Yogurt, 1 Beverage, Condiments
- Snack
- Lunch: 1 Entree, 2 Sides, 1 Bread/Chips, 1 Salad, 2 Desserts, 1 Beverage, Condiments
- Dinner: 1 Entree, 2 Sides, 1 Bread/Chips, 1 Salad, 2 Desserts, 1 Beverage, Condiments
If the doctor signs off, you can have two caffinated beverages a day, but they must be consumed by three o'clock in the afternoon.
Two group sessions and a doctor consultation done and now an hour till lunch. Had my banana but debating if I want my yogurt or to wait. The doctor is adding one and changing another dosage of my medications to a higher dose. The new one should help me sleep and may provide some pain relief for the joints, oh and we are shooting for a Saturday, not Friday, discharge.
Oh my gosh, my feet are so dry and calloused, I need to lotion and sock up.
14:43
Another group session down and now waiting on Occupational Therapy (OT) which is at 15:00 (3:00 pm). Water consumption is going well, at 70 ounces and a regular potty princess. Group was good today, I opened with why I was here and what started my downward spiral. I was introduced to some ideas that were practical to put into place, such as working part-time instead of full-time. I saw the case worker also, got a couple of appointments set up/confirmed and was given the paperwork to start my Safety Plan. No plan, no discharge.
15:45
I made Gavin a sun catcher during OT this morning and afternoon. I am hoping to stick it to his fish tank so when he turns the light on, it catches it. I think about him all the time, but right now I don't miss him because I am working on me.
Water: 98 ounces
Lunch:
- Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes with Brown Gravy, Ceasar Salad with Creamy Dressing, Wheat Roll with Butter, Green Beans, Chocolate Milk, and Chocolate Pudding
19:54
Learned a few more coping skills in group from the counselor and my fellow "inmates," such as a comfort box. She explained it as a shoe box-sized container that contains items to engage your senses and bring you back to a happy, safe place. Another idea was to soften the anxiety of getting out by planning out the first few days, down to the minute if necessary (which I am doing for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday), and of course, knowing my support group and having a safety plan.
- Comfort Box Item Ideas: Orange crayon, song lyrics, pictures, butterscotch, coffee beans
The evening was filled with another snack and Skip-Bo, possibly my new favorite card game.
Snack:
- Popcorn
10/18/19
10:31
10:31
Breakfast:
- Scrambled Eggs, Bacon, Cheddar Cheese Slice, English Muffin, Orange and Cranberry Juice, Coffee with Milk and Sugar, Rice Krispies with Milk, Pear
Water: 28 ounces
Morning group was good, made a mosaic fish for Gavin. I have a nursing student from the local tech school at my hip today. She is nice, eager to learn.
I saw the doctor again today, and she agrees we can shoot for a Saturday discharge (tomorrow). I slept amazing last night and only woke up twice, and once was to pee. I was a little groggy when I woke, but after some coffee and a shower I felt rested and refreshed.
11:39
Snack:
Coping group went well, the topic was Silly Stress Strategies. The idea is to take a simple phrase, such as Taking Candy From A Baby, and use that to bring yourself back to perspective before you react to the stress. Now we have free time till lunch at 12:45, and then group at 13:45 (1:45 pm). I have some phone calls to make and then probably socialize.
11:52
My planner is gone from my room. The CNA thinks that it was locked up for safety violations. Of course she is completely overwhelmed at the moment to ask the person that did room checks. While I understand, I am annoyed and trying to not lose my shit.
12:16
My planner was in my locker because of my clips and id. Jeez, give a girl a heart attack. Called the people, well most of them, that I needed to and now locked out of my room because the CNA broke her key in the lock of my locker removing my planner for me. While annoying, again, it was hilarious and provided us with entertainment every time we saw her throughout the day.
13:23
Lunch:
- Pizza with Peppers, California Blend, Squash, Garden Salad with French, Chocolate Ice Cream, Coffee with Sugar
There are a group of CNAs standing there doing nothing while one patient helps another patient eat.
15:57
Water: 84 ounces
Group was great today! We talked about stressers and did a work sheet to help identify them. After, we went over some of the thoughts that start/trigger the stressers. Now, an afternoon of Skip-Bo to pass the time.
Snack:
- Vanilla Greek Yogurt
Water: 90 ounces
Dinner:
- Roast Turkey, Green Beans, Mashed Potatoes with Chicken Gravy, Chef Salad with Ranch, Peppermint Tea with Lemon, and Berry Crisp
Water: 118 ounces
19:23
Chatting with the others that do not have visitors. After visiting hours, four of us will play Apples to Apples. I am getting excited over the idea of going home tomorrow. I am anxious to see the critters and Gavin.
Snack:
- Popcorn, Cheerios with Milk
Water: 146 ounces
10/19/19
08:56
Breakfast
08:56
Breakfast
- Scrambled Eggs, Turkey Sausage Links with Syrup, Rice Krispies with Milk, OJ and Cranberry Juice, and Coffee with Milk and Sugar
Snack
- Vanilla Greek Yogurt
Slept pretty good again last night, the new meds seem to help with that. Hopefully works in the long run and not just a placebo affect.
Today should be the day that I am discharged, I am showered and awaiting the doctor. In the mean time, group!
09:57
Water: 28 ounces
OT and coping therapy are being combined; we are making jars of joy. We take empty jars and decorate them with various items and modge podge. Inside there are strips of paper with sentances that promote you to think of happy thoughts, such as a favorite song, or a time that made you happy.
10:54
The last group for the day is at 11:15 and then lunch at 12:45. I am anxious to see the doctor for a few reasons. I have questions about continuing the meds, discharge, and making sure the notes get to my current doctor on the outside. A 14:30 (2:30 p) would be perfect. I want to go home, but I do not want to be to anxious to leave.
12:56
Water: 56 ounces
- Baked Macaroni & Cheese, California Blend, Chocolate Milk
Talked to the doctor and we are set for a 14:30 (2:30 p) discharge. My prescriptions were sent to the pharmacy and will probably be ready before I am. Group ran long, but was good, all about core beliefs. Lunch was right after and the last meal was pretty good, even if a little bland. Now to call my ride and my kid to plan the rest of the day.
13:09
I left a voicemail for my ride and called about the kiddo-he is demanding to be with me today and wants to be at the house an extra day next week to make up for the day he was shorted (Friday). This is all do-able.
14:11
My stuff is packed and I will be downstairs in ten minutes to leave.
***Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and possibly Tuesday will be in a separate blog***
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