One of the text messages I sent got a reply: "Yuck. I'm so goddamn crabby today. I hope no one talks to me. Except you." Here is how the rest of the conversation goes:
Me: Any special reason or just crabby?
Friend: Just woke up annoyed at life.
Me: Gotcha. Very familiar with that feeling.
Friend: I knew u would know.
Me: It is a toxic feeling, anger, despair, hopelessness
Friend: Yes
Me: And a dash of feeling lost
Friend: God yes
Me: Super big hug, the kind you can just bury yourself in and feel safe.
Friend: Awe thanks!
Why am I sharing this? Well because she is right, I do know. My heart hurts for her today, because I know how toxic it is to feel that way and there is really nothing you can do but wait for it to run its course. Walking through your day like a zombie, physically unable to smile for more than a second, ready to break out in tears at any moment. Just feeling like your whole body is going to stop and you are going to collapse into the fetal position and lose your mind right there. You do not want to be at work, but you do not want to be at home. You do not know where you want to be, where you belong. You literally and figuratively want to do and think nothing.
She knows I understand. How does she know that? Because she was there for me when I felt that way. She is part of the reason I started this blog; she always tells me that I can pinpoint exactly how she is feeling, put it into words, give it a face. We all know it is easier to fight a demon with a face than an invisible one. Is the fight over? No, but we both know she does not have to fight alone. She has an ally, as do I, one that truly understands the pain and agony of waking up toxic.
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