To Be Kissed

When I picked the title, Kissed by Madness, it was a reference to being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I have always known that I marched to the beat of my own drum and did not see the need for some of society's rules, but it was something more than just being rebel.  When I hit puberty, things took on a new level.  I started experiencing mood swings, which every summed up to me being a teenage girl.  My thoughts were running wild, I went from being on the honor roll to not remembering what just came out of the teacher's mouth.  Things did not interest me as much, nothing interested me when I was down, I could not get enough of life when I was up (will explain more about ups and downs).  Things were just not adding up.

I talked to a couple of counselors and therapists, all who just dismissed me as being a confused teenager, and just said the heck with it-this is me.

Marching to your own beat is hard when the band is playing a different tune, and it has put me in some situations that I would prefer to not find myself in again, but on the flip side, (there is always a flip side with being Bipolar) I had some amazing experiences due to my bold nature.  I know I am being very vague here, but this is the first time I am publicly expressing all of this.  My hope is to do some follow up articles on Bipolar Disorder, including managing day-to-day tasks, parenting, being in a relationship, and dealing with your family and the stigma of mental health.  For right now though, I am just jotting down some thoughts on a page to share with you how I came to be.

Anything involving a commitment, such as a job or relationship, has always been hard for me. Monogamy is just not in my vocabulary and because of that, I am sure you could image that my relationships are generally pretty short.  I was actually married for almost thirteen years, but I was miserable on so many levels, so I got a divorce.  I will probably blog about that too, cause why not?!  Employment, even though necessary, is another evil.  I could hold down a job for anywhere from a month to three years.  I only passed the three year mark once and made it almost four.  The trick was that I had to constantly change what I was doing. Then I went part-time, that was the real ticket for me, but alas, I am unemployed again.

Does any of this sound familiar?  If so, please take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  If not, then please know that I know I am not alone and someone you care about may be feeling the same way.

In the Spring of 2010, I found out I was pregnant with my first and only child.  I was 31-years old, married, a home-owner, had two cats, and two dogs.  We tried for years before giving up.  It had been years since we gave up.  But now, in the middle of a bathroom demolition, sledgehammer and all, I found out I was going to be a mom, to a human.  This was the beginning of the end of my sanity and life as I knew it.  Little did I know that in a few short months I would be a lunatic, being pregnant was my stresser, the one thing that ended up pushing me over the fence between sanity and psychotic.
I suddenly had no patience for people, I would snap and yell.  I had no filter, what ever I thought of you at the moment is what came out of my mouth.  I did not even try to put my normal spin of sarcastic elegance on it.  Ladies and gentlemen, I was a c*nt, with a capital C.  After I had the baby (boy), I mellowed out a little, but that did not last long, soon I was ready to be out on the town instead of stuck home with a husband and baby.  When I was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving, my life took another turn, a turn onto the long, bumpy road of recovery, so to speak.

In February of 2013, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.